Why Am I So Hard On Myself?
Most of us have an inner critic—that voice inside who says you’re not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, etc. It might show up when you make a mistake, when you're getting dressed, or perhaps when you’re simply relaxing but feel like you “should” be doing more.
This self-criticism might feel so constant and subtle that you don’t always realize it’s happening in the moment. Maybe you mentally replay conversations in your head, agonizing over what you could have said. Maybe you struggle to celebrate your accomplishments and feel like you’ll never measure up—no matter how hard you try.
Another part of you reacts to the criticism and asks with exasperation: “why am I so hard on myself?”
If this is you, you’re not alone. You can understand the answers to this question and learn to relate consciously to this part of yourself, which can make a world of difference.
Where Does Inner Criticism Come From?
Across different strains of psychology, there's actually a lot of agreement about where inner criticism comes from. The root is usually environmental, but there’s not just one kind of experience that creates it.
When we zoom in, there’s typically one part doing the criticizing (which we’re most aware of) and another part taking it in. This 2 part relationship can mirror a dynamic from the past—one with a critical (or abusive) parent, family member, coach, teacher, etc.
It can also arise out of physical or emotional neglect in childhood. Attempting to make sense of things, a child can develop the belief (totally unconsciously) that their needs go unmet because they are unworthy, unlovable, or deficient somehow.
An inner critic may also come from an environment where love or approval feels conditional (based on achievements, good behavior, or meeting high expectations) or where there’s little help to process and feel supported through normal experiences of failure.
In addition, many different forces in the larger culture (such as weight loss obsession) can contribute to the inner sense that we are not enough as we are. You may be drawing some connections not even named here. But if it doesn’t seem clear what your critical voice is all about, that’s ok. If you’re noticing it, and you’re troubled by it, it’s worth tending to.
For me, I love to explore the critic using Internal Family Systems. Instead of theorizing, we inquire with internal parts directly about their specific origin, role, intentions, etc. Esther Perel & IFS founder Dick Schwartz discuss this in brief.
Critical parts are generally understood as protectors—they work hard to keep us from feeling deeper pain. In other theories, they might be called “defenses.”
You may already have a good grasp on how your critical voice got there, but how to deal with it is the more challenging question.
There are different schools of thought on this topic. One path involves examining it in order to disprove what it’s saying with logic and evidence. Another is confrontation and learning how to stand up to it in hopes of overcoming it. Yet another suggests simply ignoring it and taking opposite actions.
However, in my clinical experience, these approaches don’t work that well because they encourage an antagonistic relationship with the critic. In other words, the critic gets interrupted and questioned, but the inward battle continues. From an IFS perspective, these strategies of counterargument, confrontation, or ignoring are actually being used by other parts of yourself. The critic is polarized with other parts in your inner world (ones who can see your talents, want your happiness, etc.).
I’ve found that the most effective approach involves befriending this critical part.
And I will describe what this can look like in the steps below. By accessing our core essence or deepest Self, we can connect to the critic part inside and help it.
How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself
Connecting with Your Inner Critic
If self-criticism has been the default setting for a long time, it may sound impossible to imagine “befriending” this part of yourself. I totally get it. And I’m here to tell you that it is possible and often happens gradually. The exercise below can help to open the door.
I’d recommend setting aside 10 minutes or so in a quiet place. You can follow the prompts below and journal as you go. Or you can listen to a guided version here:
Find the part
Start to turn your attention inside. You can close your eyes or soften your gaze. And take 3 slow breaths.
Where do you notice this part in or around your body?
Is there a way the energy of this critic shows up physically?
If it were symbolized by one of your hands, what would your hand do?
Focus on it
You can then rest your attention on this place and begin to notice what comes up.
Flesh it out
How do you experience this part? How does it manifest in you?
Perhaps as:
An image, a thought or voice, feeling, body posture, impulse, color or sensation?
How do you feel toward this part?
As you’re focusing on this part, how do you feel toward it? How open is your heart?
If there’s calm, curiosity, or compassion, you can move to the next step.
If instead you notice that you like or dislike, feel dependent on, afraid, confused, numb, or anything else, this is very common. You’ve probably heard from another part reacting to the critic. See if this part is willing to relax back for a few minutes so that you can get to know the critic better. And if it’s not willing, that’s totally fine. Stay with this part and ask what its concerns are about you getting to know the critic. That’s enough for now.
If this part agreed to step back, thank it and check out again how you feel toward the critic. If you notice another part come up in reaction, you can go through the same process.
And if you’re in touch with a sense of calm, compassion, or open curiosity, go to the next step.
Befriend
This step involves learning more about the critic and starting to develop a friendly connection with it. With the following questions, don’t try to think of the answer but just wait a bit and listen. You might ask:
What do you want me to know about you?
What are you trying to do for me?
How do you feel about doing this job? How effective is it?
If you didn’t have to do this job, is there anything you’d rather do?
Find out the Fears
Check with this part: “what are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this job?”
Again, just wait for something to form inside of you in response.
Whatever you heard, saw, or sensed, send this part some thanks for showing up and showing you about itself however it did (even if you didn’t get much this time).
Allow yourself a minute to transition out of this exercise. You can stretch, get up and move your body, or simply take a few breaths. What was this like to try? If you followed the guided version, write down anything you’d like to note from the experience or any information you received through it.
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You may have been surprised by how much you got or learned from this part. You may also feel frustrated about hard it was to connect with or understand it. Both are quite common. If it didn’t feel that enlightening, just know that parts show up in a variety of ways for different people (and at a different pace). It’s normal for parts (whose patterns have been years in the making) not to get heard and healed up in one sitting. But the more allowance you give for parts to reveal themselves in their own way and time, they will come forward. And they can be helped.
So, keep returning to this part. You might do it through exercises like this one, meditation, written or art journaling, a workbook (link), or in therapy. As you gain a deeper understanding of its story, its role, and its intentions, this can create greater relaxation in your system and enough space to see it from a new perspective. It may lead to a more compassionate connection with it and the remembrance that it’s not all of you, just one part.
Working with my clients, I often hear inner critics share about a younger part they protect. This younger part (also known as an “exile” in IFS) is typically less conscious to us but carries painful burdens like shame, worthlessness, fear, and/or grief. These younger parts can also be helped to release their burdens. This particular piece is best done with the support of a therapist, who can facilitate the process and help you move through what comes up along the way.
Conclusion
Believe it or not, these critic parts have the ability to change. Once a younger part is helped, some recognize there just isn’t a need for them to be so harsh and dominant anymore. Some want to relax and retire. And some want to do something else in your system, like being an as-needed consultant or coach. This is a piece of the work that is *dare I say* fun to do.
Bottom line: being hard on yourself isn’t a personal flaw or a permanent feature of your personality. It’s a learned strategy. One that helped many of us adapt and survive. One that can shift today. If you want support addressing self-criticism, reducing anxiety, or building more confidence, I’d love to work with you on that. Therapy offers a space to look at these patterns, change your relationship with your critical part, and bring healing to your inner world.
Reach out today to schedule a free consultation.
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Elizabeth Dausch is an integrative therapist in Oakland, CA offering skilled support with breakups, dating, anxiety, and relationship issues. Her approach incorporates Internal Family Systems, somatic, and mindfulness practices, and she tailors therapy to each client's unique needs. Learn more about Elizabeth.
She can also be reached at (510) 683-5858 or elizabeth.dausch@mindfulcenter.org.