Breakup & Divorce Counseling in Oakland
Heal from Relationship Loss
Does it feel like your heart will never be whole again?
You thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with them. And then one day, it’s over.
You still can’t believe it looking at old pictures, remembering how it used to be. It feels like there’s nothing to look forward to anymore. You’re wading through an ocean of mixed emotions, putting one foot in front of the other as you adjust to daily life without your ex.
At the end of a long work day, you still wish you could talk to them like you did before, and it’s taking everything in you to resist and remind yourself why you split up. And sometimes you just can’t.
A part of you feels like a detective, analyzing scenes from the past and trying to make sense of everything. When you reflect back, you might recognize familiar patterns playing out again or grasping for evidence of what really caused it all. Finding your ex to blame one minute and yourself guilty the next.
Even if the “why” is crystal clear, it doesn’t change the fact that this is a major loss.
You’re walking around with a broken heart, and it f*cking hurts.
We aren’t supposed to grieve alone.
However, in American culture, popular attitudes toward grief can make it really hard to do with others. Despite good intentions, you might hear tone-deaf responses like:
“Don’t worry, time heals all wounds”
“At least you have ___, at least you’re not___”
“I never liked them”
“You should get on the apps!”
These attempts to make you feel better or cheer you up leave you feeling invisible and isolated on top of the loss. Like salt in the wound.
Your loved ones may be showing up and trying to be there for you right now, but it’s just not enough for the pain you’re in. And you worry about making your friends your therapist every time you hang out.
Your ex may have been the person you always turned to in hard times. Without them to lean on, you’re realizing you need a stronger support system but feel concerned or unsure how to get there.
Imagine…
Not having to abbreviate and neatly package when someone asks how you’re doing. Knowing you have a place to share the full uncensored version.
Your emotional load being lightened with a caring witness and a dedicated space for your process.
Starting to feel like yourself again as you put things on your calendar (not because you know it’s good for you, but because you actually want to)
Reconnecting to genuine hope and a sense of possibility for the future.
Trusting yourself deeply when you start dating again.
My clients find a refuge in therapy.
A space free of unwanted advice, platitudes, or fixing. A place where they can be honest and raw (or any way at all) and be met with acceptance, understanding, and care. I believe there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to loss because everyone grieves differently. I tailor therapy to who you are, where you’re at, and what you most need at that time.
Some find me in the immediate wake of their separation, and the pain is acute. Others come in with more inner space for self-exploration. Wherever you might be, you are welcome here.
Your heart may be broken, but you are not.
At some point, processing a relationship usually reveals or returns you to old wounds, often from childhood or previous relationships. This is where breakups can become breakthrough experiences: when you begin to heal the way-down-deep places and parts of yourself invisibly connected to your current reality.
I’ve found that Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a powerful way of facilitating that work in therapy. We may also talk about things like attachment styles or effects of trauma when relevant. Outside of session, I often recommend books, journaling, and practice with new skills to augment what we’re doing and help you get the most out of this time.
Breakup & Divorce Counseling can help you:
Learn from your relationship, mine it for the gold, and understand yourself more deeply.
Truly move forward from your breakup with calm and clarity
Rediscover your personal identity, passions, and purpose.
Take self-love from an aspirational concept to a real and deeply felt experience.
Become emotionally available again for the relationship you want in the future.
Go into dating with more ease, self-knowledge, and direction.
Feel supported, heal from the past,
and vision a better future.
FAQ
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Hearing the word “grief,” most people think about what someone experiences after the death of a loved one. Many public conversations about grief revolve around death. And it makes sense because this is one of the most universal and profound experiences of grief.
However, grief is simply the natural reaction to loss, and there are all kinds of major losses that change our lives: relationships, jobs, health, infertility, home, religious belief, and so on. And then there are many secondary losses. For example, in a breakup, you are not only losing that person, but also the hopes and dreams you had for the future together and the aspects of your interconnected life. I use the word grief intentionally and believe it’s important to honor the various ways we are confronted with loss throughout our lifetime. -
The 5 stages of grief coined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) is a well-known but somewhat outdated idea today. While the emotions and behaviors are very resonant, it’s not used as much in the grief recovery space because, for so many people, grief is nonlinear. It does not move in a neat step-by-step sequence (as much as we might want it to). The 5 stages concept was actually developed by Kubler-Ross during her time with terminally ill patients approaching death, not with the loved ones left behind.
In recent years, grief counselors and researchers have created new frameworks that focus instead on needs or “tasks” to help people grieve healthily—things like approaching the pain, reorganizing self-identity, finding meaning, etc.
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This is not an uncommon question when it comes to breakups. A few months after separating, many people question if there’s something wrong (or something wrong with them) because they don’t feel “over it” yet. There are articles online claiming to have the formula for the length of time you can expect. You might encounter pressure from others to “get back out there” in order to accelerate the process and bury your feelings.
But the truth is there’s no normal or standard time for moving past a breakup. Much like a physical injury, it’s best not to rush the recovery. What I can say with confidence is that wherever you’re at and whatever you’re feeling right now: it will not last forever. And it will get easier.