How to Get Closure From a Relationship
Breakups can involve an intense and complicated tangle of emotions: deep sadness, confusion, regret, anger, longing. The relationship may have ended suddenly; or perhaps it was a slow unraveling. Maybe you were the one who left, or maybe this was not your choice. Regardless, you are not alone in wondering how to get closure from a relationship.
We often imagine it as something we’re going to get from someone else—a final conversation, a clear explanation, or an apology that would allow us to move forward. Maybe you’ve caught yourself playing out that encounter in your head or thinking: “if I could just talk to them one more time, ask them why they did that, or hear that they still cared…” And this makes total sense. We crave a sense of resolution, some kind of clean emotional landing. But here’s the hard truth: closure doesn’t come from them. It comes from within.
It’s not linear or instant, but it comes over time as we grieve and reconnect with our own sense of worth. Let's walk through what that process can look like—what helps, what doesn’t, and how you can gently begin to find your way forward.
Culturally Common Ideas of Closure
Many of us come to believe that closure can be experienced by an event—one last conversation. Maybe you imagine your ex saying:
“I really did love you.”
“I’m sorry for how I hurt you.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Here’s what went wrong…”
You might hope they’ll take responsibility for their part or express what the relationship meant to them. And of course you want to hear those things! Who doesn’t? Especially if you didn’t get clarity, if there’s been betrayal or mixed messages.
But basing closure on someone else’s words or actions will usually feel incomplete. And it comes with some risks. Sometimes, the conversation simply doesn’t go according to the mental fantasy. You can’t control what they’ll say. They might avoid the conversation. They might not be able to be honest. They may cause further hurt. Or they may not have the insight you’re seeking. Even in best-case scenarios—where they do offer compassion or explanations—you may be left with more material for unhelpful rumination.
Ultimately, closure isn’t about what they say. It’s about your own process, what you come to believe and understand. Metabolizing your experience, integrating what it meant, and deciding what you want to carry forward.
How to Get Closure After a Breakup
Closure is gradual. And it’s an inside job. What matters the most is how you attend to your pain, how you make meaning, and how you begin to reclaim your wholeness.
Letting Yourself Grieve
Even if the relationship wasn’t working. Even if you were the one to end it. Even if it was “for the best.” You still need space to feel and mourn the loss in order to move forward healthily.
Grief doesn’t only show up as sadness. It can also manifest in numbness, anger, resentment, emptiness, or self-doubt. All of which are normal. There’s no “standard” timeline for grieving a relationship. It’s important to allow the waves to come and go, without judging yourself for still caring, still hurting, or still missing them. As Earl Grollman puts it, “grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.”
A couple of books I highly recommend as companions along the way:
Making Meaning
At some point, we can begin to reflect in an intentional way. What did I learn—from them and from how I showed up? This piece can be painful but powerful (and incredibly useful for the future).
Some questions you may explore:
What parts of me felt most alive or connected in this relationship?
What needs of mine were not being met?
What boundaries did I honor—and which ones did I ignore?
What did I learn about love, vulnerability, conflict, or communication?
Is there anything I want to do differently next time?
I’ll make a plug here for the value of writing this down. It can help you arrive at new insights and see the bigger picture. Therapy can also be a supportive container for this kind of work.
Validating Your Own Experience
Sometimes closure looks like finally believing yourself. Believing that what you felt was real. That it mattered. That it hurt. That you did your best with what you knew then. Your feelings made sense, even if they weren’t always expressed the way you wished.
Another bitter pill: you may never get the validation you crave from your ex. But you can validate yourself, which could sound like:
“Of course I was hurt—it mattered to me.”
“I was doing the best I could with the tools I had.”
“It’s okay to still miss them and know it wasn’t right.”
Self-validation doesn’t erase pain, but it prevents you from compounding it with shame.
Recentering On Who You Are
When you’ve been so emotionally invested in someone, and they are suddenly gone, it can feel like part of your identity is missing. So, closure can also be understood as the road of coming home to yourself again. Ask: What do I love about my life outside of this person? What lights me up? Who do I feel safe and supported with?
You might reconnect with old interests, friends, and routines. Or maybe it’s something new: a creative project, a different way of spending your time, or simply noticing what feels good in your body each day. Little by little, you start to remember: I’m more than this breakup. I have value, agency, and joy available to me.
Common Myths About Closure
Let’s debunk a few common misconceptions:
Myth 1: “I need to talk to them to move on.”
You want to talk to them—and that’s totally valid. But you don’t have to in order to heal. Sometimes, contact reopens old wounds more than it brings peace.
Myth 2: “Once I get closure, I won’t feel sad anymore.”
Closure doesn’t mean never feeling pain again. It means you’re no longer stuck in a cycle of searching for answers outside yourself.
Myth 3: “Closure should happen quickly.”
Physical injuries take time to heal and so do emotional ones. You’re not doing it wrong if it’s taking longer than you thought it would.
Myth 4: “If I still miss them, it means I haven’t moved on.”
Two things can be true at the same time. You can be taking active steps to rebuild your life and still miss them. It’s part of being human and having powerful inner systems of attachment.
Self-Compassion is medicinal
There might be a lot of times when you feel caught in self-blame. This is the exact moment to offer yourself grace, as best you can. Because one of the most healing practices after a breakup is simply this: being kind to yourself. Over and over again.
You may find yourself asking with frustration:“Why am I still feeling this way?” Instead, try: “What do I need right now?”
Self-compassion isn’t just a nice, fluffy idea—it helps us get unstuck and develop a valuable skill for all our important relationships. Dr. Kristin Neff has done extensive research in this area, and I often share her book with my clients: Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
When to Seek Support
If you feel isolated or overwhelmed, therapy can be a next step to take. You don’t have to weather these storms alone. Therapy offers a space to:
Make sense of what happened
Understand your patterns and needs in relationships
Work through unresolved grief
Cultivate deeper self-worth and clarity about the future
And if you’re ready to begin your healing process and find closure from the past, I’d love to support you.
Reach out today to schedule a free consultation.
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Elizabeth Dausch is an integrative therapist in Oakland, CA offering skilled support with breakups, dating, anxiety, and relationship issues. Her approach incorporates Internal Family Systems, somatic, and mindfulness practices, and she tailors therapy to each client's unique needs. Learn more about Elizabeth.
She can also be reached at (510) 683-5858 or elizabeth.dausch@mindfulcenter.org.
Silent Panic Attacks v. Silent Anxiety Attacks
Not all instances of anxiety look dramatic from the outside. Some are silent panic attacks or anxiety attacks. They’ll happen with fewer visible symptoms but just as much internal distress. You might look fine, and it may go undetected by others, but these quieter experiences are very real and worthy of care.
Additionally, there might be a lot of confusion about what exactly is going on inside. Anxiety attack and panic attack are often used interchangeably. While they have some overlapping symptoms, they are actually distinct experiences. When you search the internet for advice on what to do, you often find the same prescription for both. But it’s important to know the difference because they require different approaches.
TL;DR: An anxiety attack builds gradually. A panic attack comes on very suddenly. Slowing down and using grounding skills can be effective for anxiety attacks, but not for panic. As paradoxical as it sounds, the best thing you can do during a panic attack is to allow it. Shifting your response to it in this way will reduce the occurrence of future panic attacks.
But let’s look at this together, get clear on what these terms mean, and talk about what actually helps in the moment.
What’s the Difference?
Both experiences can involve fear, fast heartbeat, shortness of breath, throat tightness, dizziness, nausea, shaking, sweating, or hand tingling. But the criteria below explains how they differ:
Anxiety Attacks:
Builds over hours or days to a breaking point
Typically brought on by anticipation of some event
Usually last less than 30 minutes
Panic Attacks:
Overwhelming fear comes on suddenly
Can be expected or unexpected
Fear of dying or passing out
Usually peak within 10 min and end within 30 (some symptoms may linger over an hour)
In some cases, you can experience a combination of both. For example, anxiety is brewing and increasing in the leadup to an exam. It then culminates in a panic attack on the day of the test. Panic disorder involves 1 of 3 main symptoms: either derealization (feeling numb, detached, or floaty), fear of a heart attack, or fear of hyperventilation and passing out. With panic disorder, you’re having recurring panic attacks.
The good news is that, no matter the severity, all of this is treatable. For the rest of this post, I’m going to focus on panic attacks because this is the piece that’s most misunderstood.
A panic attack feels physically dangerous, but in reality, it is not.
You might ask: but how do you know you’re not gonna pass out from a panic attack or if you’re having a heart attack?
When you’re having a panic attack, it shoots your blood pressure up. You have low blood pressure when you’re about to pass out. A heart attack develops from physical exertion and will continually worsen beyond the time frame of a panic attack (20-30 minutes). When you’re having a heart attack, you feel worse when you walk around. But movement can make you feel a little better during a panic attack. Check out Dr. Nick Wignall for more debunking of panic attack-related fears.
Understanding Silent Panic Attacks
Silent panic attacks can often get triggered by something small: a sensation in your body (like your heart pounding), an intense emotion, or a stressful thought. It might even be something as simple as standing up too quickly.
But the panic isn't caused by the trigger itself—it’s how we unconsciously interpret that sensation or emotion.
And how we interpret our inner experience has a lot to do with what we’ve learned. In American culture at large, we get the message that anxiety should be avoided, and we judge it as a problem. It’s stressful. And, as human beings, we instinctually prefer pleasure and are averse to pain. Growing up, you may have been taught (explicitly or implicitly) that feeling fear made you weak and should be dealt with on your own. Maybe you were shamed for it. Regardless of history, many of us walk around with the assumption that, if you feel anxiety, the next obvious step is to find a way to get rid of it.
So when your heart pounds or your chest feels tight, you might think something like: “Oh no. This feels horrible. Something’s wrong. How do I make it stop?!” or “S**t! Not again. Go away!!” Your nervous system reads these reactions as: Danger!
Your body’s fight-or-flight response becomes activated. Adrenaline and cortisol start coursing through your system, intensifying the sensations. Those stronger sensations seem even more dangerous, and round and round it goes. The central point is: when we try to force, avoid, or control the sensations, we confirm the belief that anxiety is a threat. And that’s what keeps the cycle going.
By the way, this is not your fault. It’s a learned reaction. And your body is just trying to protect you. Take a minute and ask yourself: what do you automatically say or think inside when a panic attack is coming on?
Most Common Unhelpful Advice
“Just take some deep breaths.”
“Calm yourself down.”
“Distract yourself.”
Underlying these well-intentioned ideas is the message: “Don’t feel it. You need to stop it.” In other words, “this is dangerous.”
It’s not a perfect analogy, but have you ever noticed what happens when someone says “you need to calm down” in response to another person’s intense anger? It usually doesn’t go that well. In fact, it tends to backfire, and the person usually just feels more angry. A similar dynamic is at play when it comes to panic.
What Does Help?
Simply put, the most effective way to respond to a panic attack is to allow it. Meeting it with acceptance instead of resistance. This does not mean you have to like it or pretend to be the Buddha. Panic attacks suck! But it actually reduces the occurrence of panic attacks. I’ve seen it with my therapy clients. This strategy is drawn from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), an offshoot of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) created by psychologist Steven Hayes. This approach to therapy developed, in part, to help treat his own panic disorder. So, what does this look like in practice?
1. Installing a New Belief: Anxiety is uncomfortable, not dangerous
The story you tell directly affects your brain’s perception of danger. You can consciously try on a new belief in daily life and especially, during a panic attack. You can tell (and teach your system through experience) that the sensations of anxiety are safe to feel—even if they’re incredibly uncomfortable—and that you can tolerate them. It gradually wears down the fear of anxiety.
You might keep the following statements stored in your phone so you can access them easily. As the panic attack is happening, say to yourself out internally or out loud:
“My body can handle these sensations.”
“This is going to pass.”
“This feels intense, but it’s not dangerous.”
“My feelings are just feelings. They can’t hurt me.”
“I can let this move through me.”
“I may feel scared, but I am actually safe in this moment.”
“It’s ok to have a fast heartbeat.”
“It’s ok to breathe this way.”
These statements direct your system that it doesn’t have to defend against what’s happening.
2. Riding it Out
I know it’s easier said than done. But, when the panic attack is happening, let the sensations be there. Ride them out.
You can even exaggerate them a little: tightening the muscle that’s already tense or jiggling your legs faster.
The intensity typically peaks within 10 minutes, which can feel like an eternity. But it will pass. You might also picture it as an ocean wave. It’s gonna build, crest, crash on shore, and flow back out.
After it’s over? Be gentle with yourself. You just got yourself through something difficult.
At a later time, articulate your known triggers for panic attacks so that you’re better prepared to use these new skills in that situation. And eventually, the need to use them will fade.
Zooming Out
At times, silent panic attacks can function like a warning light that comes on in your car, alerting you to a potential issue. When you’re in a settled state and can look at the bigger picture of your life, ask yourself if any changes can be made to decrease your overall stress. What’s your current relationship to sleep, exercise, work, alcohol, or caffeine? Have you experienced a major loss or significant event that’s been hard to process? For long-term relief with anxiety and panic attacks, addressing these factors are just as essential. But you don’t have to tackle them all at once. And you can have support along the way.
You can strengthen your ability to feel challenging sensations and feelings, just like a muscle. You can begin to plant the belief that anxiety is safe to feel and survivable. And over time, you can tend to anything that may sit underneath the anxiety. That’s what I help people do in therapy. And if that’s something you’re ready for, I’d love to connect with you.
Reach out today to schedule a free consultation.
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Elizabeth Dausch is an integrative therapist in Oakland, CA offering skilled support with breakups, dating, anxiety, and relationship issues. Her approach incorporates Internal Family Systems, somatic, and mindfulness practices, and she tailors therapy to each client's unique needs. Learn more about Elizabeth.
She can also be reached at (510) 683-5858 or elizabeth.dausch@mindfulcenter.org.
Why Am I So Hard On Myself?
Most of us have an inner critic—that voice inside who says you’re not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, etc. It might show up when you make a mistake, when you're getting dressed, or perhaps when you’re simply relaxing but feel like you “should” be doing more.
This self-criticism might feel so constant and subtle that you don’t always realize it’s happening in the moment. Maybe you mentally replay conversations in your head, agonizing over what you could have said. Maybe you struggle to celebrate your accomplishments and feel like you’ll never measure up—no matter how hard you try.
Another part of you reacts to the criticism and asks with exasperation: “why am I so hard on myself?” If this is you, you’re not alone. You can understand the answers to this question and learn to relate consciously to this part of yourself, which can make a world of difference.
Where Does Inner Criticism Come From?
Across different strains of psychology, there's actually a lot of agreement about where inner criticism comes from. The root is usually environmental, but there’s not just one kind of experience that creates it.
When we zoom in, there’s typically one part doing the criticizing (which we’re most aware of) and another part taking it in. This 2 part relationship can mirror a dynamic from the past—with a parent who could be critical or abusive, another family member, coach, teacher, etc.
It can also arise out of physical or emotional neglect in childhood. Attempting to make sense of things, a child can develop the belief (totally unconsciously) that their needs go unmet because they are unworthy, unlovable, or deficient somehow.
An inner critic may also come from an environment where love or approval feels conditional (based on achievements, good behavior, or meeting high expectations) or where there’s little help to process and feel supported through normal experiences of failure.
In addition, many different forces in the larger culture (such as weight loss obsession) can contribute to the inner sense that we are not enough as we are. You may be drawing some connections not even named here. But if it doesn’t seem clear what your critical voice is all about, that’s ok. If you’re noticing it, and you’re troubled by it, it’s worth tending to.
For me, I love to explore the critic using Internal Family Systems. Instead of theorizing, we inquire with internal parts directly about their specific origin, role, intentions, etc. Esther Perel & IFS founder Dick Schwartz discuss this in brief. Critical parts are generally understood as protectors—they work hard to keep us from feeling deeper pain. In other theories, they might be called “defenses.”
You may already have a good grasp on how your critical voice got there, but how to deal with it is the more challenging question. There are different schools of thought on this topic. One path involves examining it in order to disprove what it’s saying with logic and evidence. Another is confrontation and learning how to stand up to it in hopes of overcoming it. Yet another suggests simply ignoring it and taking opposite actions.
However, in my clinical experience, these approaches don’t work that well because they encourage an antagonistic relationship with the critic. In other words, the critic gets interrupted and questioned, but the inward battle continues. From an IFS perspective, these strategies of counterargument, confrontation, or ignoring are actually being used by other parts of yourself. The critic is polarized with other parts in your inner world (ones who can see your talents, want your happiness, etc.).
I’ve found that the most effective approach involves befriending this critical part.
And I will describe what this can look like in the steps below. By accessing our core essence or deepest Self, we can connect to the critic part inside and help it.
How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself
If self-criticism has been the default setting for a long time, it may sound impossible to imagine “befriending” this part of yourself. I totally get it. And I’m here to tell you that it is possible and often happens gradually. The exercise below can help to open the door.
I’d recommend setting aside 10 minutes or so in a quiet place. You can follow the prompts below and journal as you go. Or you can listen to a guided version here:
Find the part
Start to turn your attention inside. You can close your eyes or soften your gaze. And take 3 slow breaths.
Where do you notice this part in or around your body?
Is there a way the energy of this critic shows up physically?
If it were symbolized by one of your hands, what would your hand do?
Focus on it
You can then rest your attention on this place and begin to notice what comes up.
Flesh it out
How do you experience this part? How does it manifest in you?
Perhaps as:
An image, a thought or voice, feeling, body posture, impulse, color or sensation?
How do you feel toward this part?
As you’re focusing on this part, how do you feel toward it? How open is your heart?
If there’s calm, curiosity, or compassion, you can move to the next step.
If instead you notice that you like or dislike, feel dependent on, afraid, confused, numb, or anything else, this is very common. You’ve probably heard from another part reacting to the critic. See if this part is willing to relax back for a few minutes so that you can get to know the critic better. And if it’s not willing, that’s totally fine. Stay with this part and ask what its concerns are about you getting to know the critic. That’s enough for now.
If this part agreed to step back, thank it and check out again how you feel toward the critic. If you notice another part come up in reaction, you can go through the same process.
And if you’re in touch with a sense of calm, compassion, or open curiosity, go to the next step.
Befriend
This step involves learning more about the critic and starting to develop a friendly connection with it. With the following questions, don’t try to think of the answer but just wait a bit and listen. You might ask:
What do you want me to know about you?
What are you trying to do for me?
How do you feel about doing this job? How effective is it?
If you didn’t have to do this job, is there anything you’d rather do?
Find out the Fears
Check with this part: “what are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this job?”
Again, just wait for something to form inside of you in response.
Whatever you heard, saw, or sensed, send this part some thanks for showing up and showing you about itself however it did (even if you didn’t get much this time).
Allow yourself a minute to transition out of this exercise. You can stretch, get up and move your body, or simply take a few breaths. What was this like to try? If you followed the guided version, write down anything you’d like to note from the experience or any information you received through it.
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You may have been surprised by how much you got or learned from this part. You may also feel frustrated about hard it was to connect with or understand it. Both are quite common. If it didn’t feel that enlightening, just know that parts show up in a variety of ways for different people (and at a different pace). It’s normal for parts (whose patterns have been years in the making) not to get heard and healed up in one sitting. But the more allowance you give for parts to reveal themselves in their own way and time, they will come forward. And they can be helped.
So, keep returning to this part. You might do it through exercises like this one, meditation, written or art journaling, a workbook, or in therapy. As you gain a deeper understanding of its story, its role, and its intentions, this can create greater relaxation in your system and enough space to see it from a new perspective. It may lead to a more compassionate connection with it and the remembrance that it’s not all of you, just one part.
Working with my clients, I often hear inner critics share about a younger part they protect. This younger part (also known as an “exile” in IFS) is typically less conscious to us but carries painful burdens like shame, worthlessness, fear, and/or grief. These younger parts can also be helped to release their burdens. This particular piece is best done with the support of a therapist, who can facilitate the process and help you move through what comes up along the way.
Conclusion
Believe it or not, these critic parts have the ability to change. Once a younger part is helped, some recognize there just isn’t a need for them to be so harsh and dominant anymore. Some want to relax and retire. And some want to do something else in your system, like being an as-needed consultant or coach. This is a piece of the work that is *dare I say* fun to do.
Bottom line: being hard on yourself isn’t a personal flaw or a permanent feature of your personality. It’s a learned strategy. One that helped many of us adapt and survive. One that can shift today. If you want support addressing self-criticism, reducing anxiety, or building more confidence, I’d love to work with you on that. Therapy offers a space to look at these patterns, change your relationship with your critical part, and bring healing to your inner world.
Reach out today to schedule a free consultation.
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Elizabeth Dausch is an integrative therapist in Oakland, CA offering skilled support with breakups, dating, anxiety, and relationship issues. Her approach incorporates Internal Family Systems, somatic, and mindfulness practices, and she tailors therapy to each client's unique needs. Learn more about Elizabeth.
She can also be reached at (510) 683-5858 or elizabeth.dausch@mindfulcenter.org.