Why Am I So Hard On Myself?
Most of us have an inner critic—that voice inside who says you’re not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, etc. It might show up when you make a mistake, when you're getting dressed, or perhaps when you’re simply relaxing but feel like you “should” be doing more.
This self-criticism might feel so constant and subtle that you don’t always realize it’s happening in the moment. Maybe you mentally replay conversations in your head, agonizing over what you could have said. Maybe you struggle to celebrate your accomplishments and feel like you’ll never measure up—no matter how hard you try.
Another part of you reacts to the criticism and asks with exasperation: “why am I so hard on myself?”
If this is you, you’re not alone. You can understand the answers to this question and learn to relate consciously to this part of yourself, which can make a world of difference.
Where Does Inner Criticism Come From?
Across different strains of psychology, there's actually a lot of agreement about where inner criticism comes from. The root is usually environmental, but there’s not just one kind of experience that creates it.
When we zoom in, there’s typically one part doing the criticizing (which we’re most aware of) and another part taking it in. This 2 part relationship can mirror a dynamic from the past—one with a critical (or abusive) parent, family member, coach, teacher, etc.
It can also arise out of physical or emotional neglect in childhood. Attempting to make sense of things, a child can develop the belief (totally unconsciously) that their needs go unmet because they are unworthy, unlovable, or deficient somehow.
An inner critic may also come from an environment where love or approval feels conditional (based on achievements, good behavior, or meeting high expectations) or where there’s little help to process and feel supported through normal experiences of failure.
In addition, many different forces in the larger culture (such as weight loss obsession) can contribute to the inner sense that we are not enough as we are. You may be drawing some connections not even named here. But if it doesn’t seem clear what your critical voice is all about, that’s ok. If you’re noticing it, and you’re troubled by it, it’s worth tending to.
For me, I love to explore the critic using Internal Family Systems. Instead of theorizing, we inquire with internal parts directly about their specific origin, role, intentions, etc. Esther Perel & IFS founder Dick Schwartz discuss this in brief.
Critical parts are generally understood as protectors—they work hard to keep us from feeling deeper pain. In other theories, they might be called “defenses.”
You may already have a good grasp on how your critical voice got there, but how to deal with it is the more challenging question.
There are different schools of thought on this topic. One path involves examining it in order to disprove what it’s saying with logic and evidence. Another is confrontation and learning how to stand up to it in hopes of overcoming it. Yet another suggests simply ignoring it and taking opposite actions.
However, in my clinical experience, these approaches don’t work that well because they encourage an antagonistic relationship with the critic. In other words, the critic gets interrupted and questioned, but the inward battle continues. From an IFS perspective, these strategies of counterargument, confrontation, or ignoring are actually being used by other parts of yourself. The critic is polarized with other parts in your inner world (ones who can see your talents, want your happiness, etc.).
I’ve found that the most effective approach involves befriending this critical part.
And I will describe what this can look like in the steps below. By accessing our core essence or deepest Self, we can connect to the critic part inside and help it.
How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself
Connecting with Your Inner Critic
If self-criticism has been the default setting for a long time, it may sound impossible to imagine “befriending” this part of yourself. I totally get it. And I’m here to tell you that it is possible and often happens gradually. The exercise below can help to open the door.
I’d recommend setting aside 10 minutes or so in a quiet place. You can follow the prompts below and journal as you go. Or you can listen to a guided version here:
Find the part
Start to turn your attention inside. You can close your eyes or soften your gaze. And take 3 slow breaths.
Where do you notice this part in or around your body?
Is there a way the energy of this critic shows up physically?
If it were symbolized by one of your hands, what would your hand do?
Focus on it
You can then rest your attention on this place and begin to notice what comes up.
Flesh it out
How do you experience this part? How does it manifest in you?
Perhaps as:
An image, a thought or voice, feeling, body posture, impulse, color or sensation?
How do you feel toward this part?
As you’re focusing on this part, how do you feel toward it? How open is your heart?
If there’s calm, curiosity, or compassion, you can move to the next step.
If instead you notice that you like or dislike, feel dependent on, afraid, confused, numb, or anything else, this is very common. You’ve probably heard from another part reacting to the critic. See if this part is willing to relax back for a few minutes so that you can get to know the critic better. And if it’s not willing, that’s totally fine. Stay with this part and ask what its concerns are about you getting to know the critic. That’s enough for now.
If this part agreed to step back, thank it and check out again how you feel toward the critic. If you notice another part come up in reaction, you can go through the same process.
And if you’re in touch with a sense of calm, compassion, or open curiosity, go to the next step.
Befriend
This step involves learning more about the critic and starting to develop a friendly connection with it. With the following questions, don’t try to think of the answer but just wait a bit and listen. You might ask:
What do you want me to know about you?
What are you trying to do for me?
How do you feel about doing this job? How effective is it?
If you didn’t have to do this job, is there anything you’d rather do?
Find out the Fears
Check with this part: “what are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this job?”
Again, just wait for something to form inside of you in response.
Whatever you heard, saw, or sensed, send this part some thanks for showing up and showing you about itself however it did (even if you didn’t get much this time).
Allow yourself a minute to transition out of this exercise. You can stretch, get up and move your body, or simply take a few breaths. What was this like to try? If you followed the guided version, write down anything you’d like to note from the experience or any information you received through it.
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You may have been surprised by how much you got or learned from this part. You may also feel frustrated about hard it was to connect with or understand it. Both are quite common. If it didn’t feel that enlightening, just know that parts show up in a variety of ways for different people (and at a different pace). It’s normal for parts (whose patterns have been years in the making) not to get heard and healed up in one sitting. But the more allowance you give for parts to reveal themselves in their own way and time, they will come forward. And they can be helped.
So, keep returning to this part. You might do it through exercises like this one, meditation, written or art journaling, a workbook (link), or in therapy. As you gain a deeper understanding of its story, its role, and its intentions, this can create greater relaxation in your system and enough space to see it from a new perspective. It may lead to a more compassionate connection with it and the remembrance that it’s not all of you, just one part.
Working with my clients, I often hear inner critics share about a younger part they protect. This younger part (also known as an “exile” in IFS) is typically less conscious to us but carries painful burdens like shame, worthlessness, fear, and/or grief. These younger parts can also be helped to release their burdens. This particular piece is best done with the support of a therapist, who can facilitate the process and help you move through what comes up along the way.
Conclusion
Believe it or not, these critic parts have the ability to change. Once a younger part is helped, some recognize there just isn’t a need for them to be so harsh and dominant anymore. Some want to relax and retire. And some want to do something else in your system, like being an as-needed consultant or coach. This is a piece of the work that is *dare I say* fun to do.
Bottom line: being hard on yourself isn’t a personal flaw or a permanent feature of your personality. It’s a learned strategy. One that helped many of us adapt and survive. One that can shift today. If you want support addressing self-criticism, reducing anxiety, or building more confidence, I’d love to work with you on that. Therapy offers a space to look at these patterns, change your relationship with your critical part, and bring healing to your inner world.
Reach out today to schedule a free consultation.
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Elizabeth Dausch is an integrative therapist in Oakland, CA offering skilled support with breakups, dating, anxiety, and relationship issues. Her approach incorporates Internal Family Systems, somatic, and mindfulness practices, and she tailors therapy to each client's unique needs. Learn more about Elizabeth.
She can also be reached at (510) 683-5858 or elizabeth.dausch@mindfulcenter.org.
How to Deal with Resentment in a Relationship
Resentment is a complex and layered emotional experience. It can creep in slowly and quietly but take up a lot of space in a relationship. It’s there in the unspoken frustration over who does more, the lingering hurt from past conflicts, or the exhaustion of feeling unseen or unheard. Left unattended, resentment can gradually chip away at intimacy and connection. If you’ve been feeling stuck and unsure how to deal with resentment in your relationship, it doesn’t have to stay that way. There are ways to work through it. But first:
What is Resentment?
One of my mentors always encouraged me to look up words in the dictionary to make sure I understood what they meant. I still do it to this day. According to Merriam-Webster, resentment is “a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.” Using this as a working definition then, how do you recognize resentment in the day-to-day?
Well, resentment isn’t always obvious. I often picture anger as a pot of water boiling over. Whether it’s expressed outwardly or not, it’s hot. It builds (or comes on suddenly), spikes, and eventually subsides. Resentment, on the other hand, is usually subtler and less intense. It’s that low, sustained simmer whose steam may not be visible above the pot.
A clear example is when you catch yourself replaying scenes from the past in your mind and feeling just the way you did then. Breaking apart the word resent itself, you get “re” (again) and “sent” (feel or sense). Underlying resentment might also manifest as strong irritation at things your partner does (or doesn’t do). You notice that your reaction feels outsized to the event. You might make passive-aggressive comments or shut down during disagreements.
If you often engage in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling, resentment tends to be there underneath. Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman call these behaviors the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which can predict the end of a relationship (if they go unaddressed).
You may just feel emotionally withdrawn or disconnected from your partner to the extent that you avoid deeper conversations altogether.
Why Do We Feel Resentment in Relationships?
Too Much Imbalance
Relationships require both partners to show up, emotionally and practically. Though consistently perfect balance isn’t realistic, resentment often follows when one person feels like they shoulder a lot more of the load.
Lack of Acknowledgment or Appreciation
Feeling taken for granted is one of the biggest contributors to resentment. Whether it’s household chores, emotional labor, or relationship maintenance, feeling unseen can build over time. You might handle most of the childcare and household responsibilities, and your partner works long hours. Even though you understand their schedule, you feel unappreciated and resentful.
Repeated Hurt Without Repair
When conflicts go unresolved, the pain doesn’t disappear. If apologies feel empty or there isn’t any meaningful change, hello resentment. Your partner may have dismissed your feelings in a past argument. You may have convinced yourself it wasn’t a big deal and tried to move on. But deep down, you still feel invalidated and bothered by it.
Unspoken Needs
This one’s a biggie. Sadly, needs that go unexpressed are usually needs that go unmet. Many of us expect our partners to “just know” what we need. We often assume it’s so obvious that it shouldn’t require explanation. We might believe that they would (or would not) do something if they truly loved us. This is really relatable. As a couples therapist, I frequently hear this in some shape or form during sessions. But, the truth is: your partner is simply a different person. Richard Carlson says,
“The fact that you’re married to someone…does not make it more likely that the two of you will see eye to eye. In fact, just the opposite is probable. The more time you spend with someone, the more chances there are for your separate realities to surface. Despite this, many of us tend to expect (or secretly want) those closest to us to conform to the way we think about life.” (p. 115) from Shortcut through Therapy
Ask yourself: “how could I be contributing to this situation? Are there any expectations that need updating or adjusting?”
It almost goes without saying, but it really matters how you express your needs. Think about how you might have tried this in the past. You might have done everything in your power to communicate with honesty, clarity, and sensitivity. Or you may recognize behaviors that got in the way.
How to Let Go of Resentment
“Letting go” sounds straightforward. As if you’re gonna throw something in the trash bin and finally wash your hands of it. But it’s seldom that simple. Letting go of and healing resentment takes intention, communication, and a willingness to work together. Things may have accumulated over a long time, so you might feel urgency about change. This is totally understandable. And, it’s important to keep in mind that progress is often incremental. It takes many opportunities to practice doing something different. So first,
Acknowledge and Name It
You can’t effectively address what you don’t recognize. Take some time to reflect: what exactly am I feeling resentful about? What is the desire or need behind it? Journaling or exploring it in therapy can help you get clear.
Communicate with a Focus on You
When bringing up resentment, it’s easy for it to land as accusation, which predictably activates the other person’s defenses: “You never listen to me” or “You never appreciate everything I do around the house” or “You don’t care about how hard I work”. Instead, lead with your own experience and use “I” statements. To simplify your starting point, I really like this fill-in-the-blank:
“I feel ___ when you ____. I’d love it if ____.”
Make sure it begins with an emotion (rather than “I feel like you…”). Follow the “you” with an observable behavior(s) such as “when you check your phone during dinner.”
Over time, you may have formed a habit of staying quiet about the things that bothered you. But the Gottmans recommend maintaining a “low negativity threshold” in your relationship. Instead of bottling up your feelings or forcing yourself to move on, bring up the little things. You can address them, resolve them, and prevent unspoken frustrations from piling up. This video explains the concept really well.
Listen with Interest
This can be hard to do in the beginning, especially if there’s been an empathy deficit in the relationship for a while. But try your best to remember that, if your partner expresses their own resentment, jumping to defend yourself or immediately countering what they say is a losing strategy.
See what happens when, just for 30 seconds, you press pause on your agenda and deliberately focus on what they’re telling you. They may communicate in a clumsy way or with a lot of blaming “you” statements. You may immediately flare up inside. You might want to retort, “That’s not true!” Instead, pause (or maybe even take a break from the interaction). Take a slow breath. Then ask them what they are feeling or “I didn’t realize you were feeling this way. Can you tell me more?” When you communicate in the way you’d like to be spoken to, your chances increase that they will respond in kind, and you’ll also feel heard.
Make Small, Consistent Changes
Resentment doesn’t disappear with one conversation—it requires ongoing effort. Identify small, realistic steps you both can take to create change. Is it possible to adjust some responsibilities to create more balance? Are you able to schedule weekly check-ins to talk about how things are going between you? Can you begin expressing gratitude for each other’s contributions to the relationship?
Rebuild Emotional Connection
Healing resentment isn’t just about fixing problems and unpacking negative feelings—it’s also about restoring closeness. Make space for a little fun and connecting outside of serious conversations. Practice small gestures of affection, like holding hands, hugs, or giving compliments. Plan some activities you both enjoy.
Final Thoughts
Sometimes, resentment runs deep because it’s been in the making for a long time. No matter how hard you try, you might feel stuck in the same patterns, not getting any traction. This is where couples therapy may help and give you deeper, guided support. Therapy is a safe space to process resentment, understand its roots, and work toward repair.
Resentment doesn’t mean your relationship is broken and all hope is lost—but it does mean something needs attention. The fact that you’re here, reading this, already shows that you care about making things better. With the right support, tools, and practice, healing is within reach.
If you and your partner are having a hard time with resentment in your relationship, couples therapy might be the next right step. Reach out today to schedule a consultation and learn more.
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Elizabeth Dausch is an integrative therapist in Oakland, CA offering skilled support with breakups, dating, anxiety, and relationship issues. Her approach incorporates Internal Family Systems, somatic, and mindfulness practices, and she tailors therapy to each client's unique needs. Learn more about Elizabeth.
She can also be reached at (510) 683-5858 or elizabeth.dausch@mindfulcenter.org.
How to Comfort Someone After a Breakup
Breakups can feel like an emotional earthquake, shaking someone’s very foundation. It hurts on so many levels (as science attests). You might be seeing this with a loved one whose relationship just ended. They’re torn up inside, and you sincerely want to be there for them.
The fact that you’re reading this right now is a sign of your care for this person, and they’re lucky to have you in their life. As you think about them, you probably worry about not knowing what to say or do to ease their pain. In this post, I’ll address this common concern about how to comfort someone after a breakup and share some important things to keep in mind.
Though this word might not come up in your conversations, they are grieving. The experience of grief is not just reserved for death—it is simply the natural response to loss. There’s a great deal of silence around the topic of grief in American culture. So, it’s no wonder that many of us make it to adulthood without ever learning how to treat a grieving person in a way that actually helps. Or how to treat ourselves when confronting loss. I talk about this with my clients all the time.
If your family member or friend is navigating heartbreak, you’ll likely feel the urge at some point to make them feel better or problem-solve in response to what they’re expressing. But
supporting someone well isn’t about having the perfect advice or “doing” the right thing—it’s about loving presence.
What to say to someone after a breakup
Your loved one has lost not only a relationship, but shared dreams and the imagined future that will no longer come to be. They might be feeling sadness, anger, hopelessness, regret, confusion, or even relief. These emotions can be painfully raw, hard to witness, and may shift rapidly.
When someone you care about is suffering, it’s instinctive to want to make it stop. You might start to feel helpless or worry you’re not doing enough. And this is a moment that can easily evoke anxiety and prompt platitudes like:
“I know you’ll find someone better.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“You have so much love in your life.”
“Every ending is a new beginning.”
Unfortunately, these statements often have the unintended effect of minimizing the person’s current experience and end up shutting down the conversation. Rather than emphasizing the silver lining, the best gift you can give is: your attention, listening (without judgment, interruption, or redirecting the conversation), and empathically acknowledging their pain. This could sound like:
“I’m here for you, no matter what.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I love you.”
“It’s okay to feel exactly what you’re feeling.”
“That makes so much sense.”
When someone gets misty-eyed, a common reflex is to utter “Oh, don’t cry!” with a furrowed brow and then run to get them a tissue. If you notice that impulse, see if you can hold on it and just allow them to cry without interference. Emotional release through their tears is an important part of the process.
This is a moment when you might gently rub their back, put a hand on their shoulder, or offer a hug. In doing so, you communicate that it’s safe for them to fall apart with you—a tremendous relief when they have to “keep it together” every day at work, in social interactions, in public, etc.
Being with them and their feelings—without trying to change them—is truly medicinal.
I highly recommend checking out this video that beautifully illustrates the idea. I love Megan Devine’s work and often recommend her book It’s OK That You’re Not OK to my clients.
How to Help Someone Through a Breakup
Consistency can be very anchoring amid emotional distress and change. So consider how you might create meaningful ways to check in. You could plan a weekly coffee date, walk, or a phone call every Sunday evening.
You might offer practical help, like picking up groceries, walking their dog, or handling other small tasks that might feel overwhelming to them right now. Spontaneously drop off their favorite snack or send them a text: “I’m thinking about you ❤️.” These gestures also help to break isolation and loneliness around this time.
I personally love the idea of deciding together on an emoji, such as 🥀 , that serves as code for “I’m having a hard day” and they’d appreciate some contact. These small systems can make reaching out feel easier. They remove the effort of needing to find the “right words” and having to explain themselves every time they’re struggling.
If you’re feeling unsure, you can ask them directly: “How can I support you right now?” or “In the past, when you felt this low, what was helpful to you?” They might not have an answer, and that’s okay. Your willingness to show up and stay focused on what they want is already enough.
Respect Their Process
Grief does not follow a linear path or distinct, ordered stages. Some days, your loved one might seem like they’re doing better—laughing, making plans, and looking hopeful. The next day, they might feel like they’ve taken ten steps backward. This back-and-forth is normal, but difficult to watch.
Patience is key here. Remember that their recovery timeline is their own. There’s no universal schedule for “getting over it.” Encouraging them to “get back out there” only adds pressure and can make them feel like they’re failing at healing. Trust that they’ll let you know when they’re ready to date again. Avoid talking negatively about their ex or giving advice (e.g. “you just gotta stay positive” or “you should…”).
You might feel tempted to suggest “taking their mind off it” by going to a bar or upbeat activities. But, as Mel Robbins recommends, let them lead the way and choose how you spend time. Of course, you can invite them to a movie, exercise class, or other outing. They might be interested and have the appetite for it, but let it be ok if they’re not up to it yet.
Acknowledge Their Strengths
Many people at one point or another start to question themselves during a breakup—their worth, their decisions, their future. Self-doubt is to be expected. One of the best things you can do is just normalize it and empathize. And occasionally, we can all use a little reminder of our strength and resilience when we can’t see it ourselves.
“You have such a big heart.”
“I love the conversations we have together.”
“I think it’s brave to feel this instead of pushing it away.”
What do you admire or appreciate about this person? Tell them.
Take Care of Yourself Too
Showing up actively for someone during a breakup can be emotionally challenging sometimes. It’s important to recognize your limits and honor your own needs, too. Check in with yourself: Are you feeling overwhelmed or depleted? It’s perfectly okay to say, “I’m here for you, and I need some time to recharge today.” Do the things that fill up your cup and help you feel restored. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential for your health and being a sturdy source of support for the people you love.
Breakups often bring up deeper wounds like past relational trauma or unresolved attachment patterns that are best explored with a professional. If it feels appropriate, you might ask if they’ve thought about including therapy in their support system. If they’re open to it but feel overwhelmed by the prospect of searching for someone, you can offer to help them find options. Therapy offers a dedicated space for processing loss, exploring patterns, and rebuilding self-trust. It’s not about “fixing” but rather, giving them the tools and support they need to heal in their own time.
If you notice signs of prolonged depression, significant isolation, or concerning behavior (e.g., substance misuse or self-harm), encourage professional help sooner rather than later. Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is guide someone toward more comprehensive care.
Final Thoughts
The experience of relationship loss is deeply personal, yet universally painful. And knowing how to comfort someone after a breakup isn’t always clear. With the ideas in this post, I hope you’re feeling a bit better equipped in approaching your loved one during this sensitive time. Just remember: your role isn’t to fix, rescue, or make them “feel better.” Your role is to simply walk alongside them—to offer presence, make room for their feelings, and remind them they’re not alone.
If someone you care about is navigating the aftermath of a breakup and needing further support, get in touch today and find out how therapy can help.
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Elizabeth Dausch is an integrative therapist in Oakland, CA offering skilled support with breakups, dating, anxiety, and relationship issues. Her approach incorporates Internal Family Systems, somatic, and mindfulness practices, and she tailors therapy to each client's unique needs. Learn more about Elizabeth.
She can also be reached at (510) 683-5858 or elizabeth.dausch@mindfulcenter.org.